Files and files and files

This week begins my attempt to clean out all my files - I have ten years of client files which have all been saved in the cloud, but which I also have all the paper copies of.  It's been quite a reminder, a memory jog that burned no calories, going through each file to store the physical copy more efficiently.

One of my first cases was a sexual abuse victim and siblings, and when I read through the paperwork I recall being so horrified, so sure that this was a unique and almost singular situation - a young girl abused by her mother's paramour, with the result a pregnancy which ended in the death of the fetus in a sketchy way.  The young girl was a hero - and still is to me  - but the situation of the mother's paramour being abusive (and perhaps a pedophile, if the suppositions I had as the case progressed were correct) and getting away with it is all too common.

In that instance, there was not enough criminal evidence to have this man charged; it was mostly shoddy police work in preserving DNA from the fetus remains.  The work of the police, while probably standard at the time, was so poor that the man not only went free, but also the woman who had chosen him as a psuedo father to her several young children never quite believed he had done this despicable act.

In the balance, several young children were removed from their only known parent, and placed with another relative of questionable ability to parent.  Their biological mother waffled back and forth and didn't quite know whom to "believe" in the case of her eldest child and her paramour.  Finally she chose the children, although none of us working with the family was quite convinced her choice was about the children so much as it was about the lack of financial help (food stamps, housing allowance, SSI, etc) she received without them in her household.

All of this was very dramatic and dire, just as it sounds.  But it was not nearly so rare as I thought at the time.  I can't even count the number of households where I have seen a very close parallel to this story - a mother, her kids, and a man who is not the father of all (and often, indeed, not the biological father of any) of the children, and an act of abuse.  Often, it is a sexual abuse, and many times it is on multiple children.  And in my estimation, about half of the time, perhaps slightly more, the mother chooses to remain with her paramour, even up to and beyond the point of her children being removed from her.

Now let me pause here to say that I was horrified - and I am still horrified - that a mother could choose a man over her child or children.  But in the next breath I will say that my judgment of such women is much more clouded than it once was, both legally and personally.  I would like to say that this situation never happens, and that when it does, the woman is a horrible, evil person with no real love for her children.

That isn't the case.  Just for a moment, as hard as it is, put yourself and your spouse in this situation:  One of your children's friend's parents has called social services with grave concerns that one of your children is being abused sexually.  This other adult doesn't know for sure, but she overheard a conversation your child and her child had which pointed towards an adult in your child's life behaving inappropriately.

Your child told her child about a "game" that the man in her household played with her.  He would tickle her whole body, and told her not to tell anyone. Immediately, many of us have ears that prick up at the "not to tell anyone" portion, and maybe even at the "tickle her whole body" comment.  Some of us are mandated reporters, and if your child's friend had a parent who was mandated to report suspected abuse, the right thing for her to do would be to call the abuse hotline.  She might or might not also speak to you, the parent, about what she had overheard.

The next thing you know, social services is at the door, wanting to speak to your child personally, without you present.  What would you think?  What would you do?  Are you sure?

In the next hour, if you allowed it, your child would be questioned, and if the worker feared the allegations were true, your child might very likely be removed from your home to be questioned more and to be placed in temporary care of a foster home.  Your paramour or spouse would come home to find you shattered and confused.  Would you believe he had done something wrong at that point?

More on this in the next post - but just for a moment, think about your home, your kids, your partner.  Are you very sure you jump to believe that your partner had done something horrific?