The world I know now, as a decade long guardian ad litem, is very different from the one I grew up in. I had kids. I had church friends. I had normal.
Now, as a GAL I know a lot about drugs, and having no way to get real help because a social worker chooses not to like me. I spend days - yes, days - upset and sad and horrified that kids have to live in these conditions. And I spend just as much time fearing that their next placement is worse.
My life is changed, in this 12 years working in child abuse and neglect. When my kids, or steps, say they feel suicidal, I believe them and get help. I lost a GAL boy to suicide. When I watch Teen Mom, I wonder what those girls will do when they aren’t teen moms anymore, but just moms with lots of babies and no jobs.
What do we do to stem this tide?
Sunday, July 22, 2018
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Who Feels Sorry For Lawyers? And Other Issues of Compassion Fatigue
We aren't a relatable group are we? We make huge money, and drive clients into poverty or even bankruptcy. We are sharks, mean and unforgiving. Many of us are addicts, cheats, ethically questionable.
And we all live like the Good Wife characters.
Right?
Ok, I know that was an annoying opening with overgeneralized opinions people may or may not even hold. I do know that as an attorney I often don't want to self-identify with the public perception of my profession.
I also know that those perceptions can be just as false as they are true. I have worked with some lawyers who work on almost nothing, put in longer hours than most of the so-called helping professionals, and receive none of the public accolades for their work. Often, those lawyers work in almost social work positions, representing clients in jail, clients who have no money, clients who are mentally challenged, or child clients. And very often they end up with burnout - in a phenomenon known as compassion fatigue, or secondary trauma.
Compassion fatigue occurs when, in this case, an attorney has had so many difficult, sad clients, that the attorney loses that ability to relate with the client. The attorney is swamped with too many hurting clients, with no real ability to help.
It is an overwhelming feeling, the desire to help others. Many of us went to law school with that lofty goal, to help others, and some of us graduated with that goal still hotly pursued. Then we got jobs, only a few of us, in those traditionally vaunted places where lawyers help those less fortunate.
Because the jobs at legal aid or public defender or guardian ad litem style offices are so few, and so poorly funded, they rarely come open. When they
'do, the applications roll in, and the candidate who is chosen is immediately swept up in huge number of cases. That newly hired lawyer is generally thrilled and motivated to help every last person, to resolve every single injustice rendered.
And that attitude remains - for days, weeks or even years. But it almost never remains forever. There in that space between injustice resolution and unending cases that never quite finish, is compassion fatigue, and its friend secondary trauma.
Much worse than the misunderstood profession and the few jobs open for opportunity to do something other than make money, compassion fatigue sneaks in and stills that heart pounding desire to really do good for others. Secondary trauma inflicts blow after blow as attorneys - seen as cold and uninvolved at times - come to care about their clients who have experienced bone chilling pain and wrong treatment. The client has experience trauma, there is no doubt - and research is proving more and more that those attorneys, just like other helping professions, have experienced secondary trauma.
Secondary trauma is a bit harder to spot, especially in attorneys, who have been Socratic methoded and judge lambasted as well as being the butt of many jokes. The sure fact is, though, that it is there in attorneys who for any length of time seek to help those clients who most need help. The signs are just under the surface - the lack of sleep, the teary eyes in an odd situation, and sadly, often excessive drinking or substance abuse. Over time, that secondary trauma, and the symptoms, wrap up into a much harder nugget to crack: compassion fatigue.
Stay tuned for the next installment on compassion fatigue, or "have you hugged a lawyer today?"
And we all live like the Good Wife characters.
Right?
Ok, I know that was an annoying opening with overgeneralized opinions people may or may not even hold. I do know that as an attorney I often don't want to self-identify with the public perception of my profession.
I also know that those perceptions can be just as false as they are true. I have worked with some lawyers who work on almost nothing, put in longer hours than most of the so-called helping professionals, and receive none of the public accolades for their work. Often, those lawyers work in almost social work positions, representing clients in jail, clients who have no money, clients who are mentally challenged, or child clients. And very often they end up with burnout - in a phenomenon known as compassion fatigue, or secondary trauma.
Compassion fatigue occurs when, in this case, an attorney has had so many difficult, sad clients, that the attorney loses that ability to relate with the client. The attorney is swamped with too many hurting clients, with no real ability to help.
It is an overwhelming feeling, the desire to help others. Many of us went to law school with that lofty goal, to help others, and some of us graduated with that goal still hotly pursued. Then we got jobs, only a few of us, in those traditionally vaunted places where lawyers help those less fortunate.
Because the jobs at legal aid or public defender or guardian ad litem style offices are so few, and so poorly funded, they rarely come open. When they
'do, the applications roll in, and the candidate who is chosen is immediately swept up in huge number of cases. That newly hired lawyer is generally thrilled and motivated to help every last person, to resolve every single injustice rendered.
And that attitude remains - for days, weeks or even years. But it almost never remains forever. There in that space between injustice resolution and unending cases that never quite finish, is compassion fatigue, and its friend secondary trauma.
Much worse than the misunderstood profession and the few jobs open for opportunity to do something other than make money, compassion fatigue sneaks in and stills that heart pounding desire to really do good for others. Secondary trauma inflicts blow after blow as attorneys - seen as cold and uninvolved at times - come to care about their clients who have experienced bone chilling pain and wrong treatment. The client has experience trauma, there is no doubt - and research is proving more and more that those attorneys, just like other helping professions, have experienced secondary trauma.
Secondary trauma is a bit harder to spot, especially in attorneys, who have been Socratic methoded and judge lambasted as well as being the butt of many jokes. The sure fact is, though, that it is there in attorneys who for any length of time seek to help those clients who most need help. The signs are just under the surface - the lack of sleep, the teary eyes in an odd situation, and sadly, often excessive drinking or substance abuse. Over time, that secondary trauma, and the symptoms, wrap up into a much harder nugget to crack: compassion fatigue.
Stay tuned for the next installment on compassion fatigue, or "have you hugged a lawyer today?"
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
The Good Wife
I have been on a bit of a holiday break, and as part of that break, I have been watching far too much TV. "The Good Wife" has really captured my interest this year, even though I have been so slow to start watching.
I did this with Dexter, and Breaking Bad, and Parenthood. It's almost like I ENJOY being wrong about shows, if only because then when I do try them, I get to binge.
So, binging on Good Wife and also Chance. Back in a week or two!
I did this with Dexter, and Breaking Bad, and Parenthood. It's almost like I ENJOY being wrong about shows, if only because then when I do try them, I get to binge.
So, binging on Good Wife and also Chance. Back in a week or two!
Friday, November 11, 2016
Right to protest versus right to riot
I will preface this post by saying I am trying to take the Trump win in the Presidential race with grace; I must admit that I am having a hard time with the reality that many of my neighbors, family and friends voted for a mysoginist, hate-filled, race-baiting, big mouth who at best has a terrible view of women and bases his judgment on looks, and at worse is a straight up sex offender. I'm trying so hard not to be angry, not to make this a negative four years by my own attitude.
Some of our fellow citizens are also unhappy. This I understand, obviously. And many are waging quiet protests, gathering to share their unhappiness, gathering to lobby the Electoral College to revolution, speaking their concerns online and in other ways. These kinds of protest are entirely reasonable and they can be useful because they keep the focus on change and respect.
However, other protests that are happening, such as those in Chicago and Portland, are not accurately even described as protests. Any action that involves burning, destroying or violence is not a protected speech protest, it is a riot. Riots are criminal action, and frankly, they degrade all of us with legitimate protest concerns.
If you are one of those participating in a riot or even viewing riots as necessary - you are a part of the problem, and not the solution. By delegitimizing the long time argument of Democrats for peace and respect even in disagreement. Look back at Martin Luther King Jr and the Civil Rights Movement for examples of how this must be done. The current rioting makes it hard to distinguish between "us" and the Trump crowd!
Some of our fellow citizens are also unhappy. This I understand, obviously. And many are waging quiet protests, gathering to share their unhappiness, gathering to lobby the Electoral College to revolution, speaking their concerns online and in other ways. These kinds of protest are entirely reasonable and they can be useful because they keep the focus on change and respect.
However, other protests that are happening, such as those in Chicago and Portland, are not accurately even described as protests. Any action that involves burning, destroying or violence is not a protected speech protest, it is a riot. Riots are criminal action, and frankly, they degrade all of us with legitimate protest concerns.
If you are one of those participating in a riot or even viewing riots as necessary - you are a part of the problem, and not the solution. By delegitimizing the long time argument of Democrats for peace and respect even in disagreement. Look back at Martin Luther King Jr and the Civil Rights Movement for examples of how this must be done. The current rioting makes it hard to distinguish between "us" and the Trump crowd!
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Get out the vote!
Short and sweet: If you are a US citizen eligible to vote, walk away from this screen and get your hiney to the polls!
If you already voted, please feel free to share your experience. I don't mean you have to reveal who you voted for (but you can). Just let me know how your poll was. For instance, my poll had medium turnout when I went, but that was at ten a.m. when I expected light turnout. There was a beehive of activity and excitement, which rubbed off on me and now I just want to watch election coverage.
I'm working, but as soon as I am done you can bet I will be cozy and comfy, watching our nation make its choice.
If you already voted, please feel free to share your experience. I don't mean you have to reveal who you voted for (but you can). Just let me know how your poll was. For instance, my poll had medium turnout when I went, but that was at ten a.m. when I expected light turnout. There was a beehive of activity and excitement, which rubbed off on me and now I just want to watch election coverage.
I'm working, but as soon as I am done you can bet I will be cozy and comfy, watching our nation make its choice.
Monday, November 7, 2016
Moment of Silence
Today I got a reminder of something that has bothered me more and more over the past decade: the difficulty hard of hearing or deaf in our society have such great difficulty getting access to many things. Within the last four months I have been the broker for a client who could not hear in court, a friend who could not get heat because she is deaf, and then today my encounter was with a phone service who did not provide accommodation for users.
Why is this even an issue in 2016?
Shouldn't courts have an easy to use system in place to accommodate our hard of hearing or deaf citizens? It took my court several weeks of me nagging to even get ear sets for my hard of hearing client. The accommodation was available in my county, but in many it isn't. I have been party to a court case that went on two years where a deaf mom, deaf dad and profoundly deaf child all had to appear, which meant the court had to hire four separate interpreters. It truly delayed the process for everyone, but especially for the parents who lost custody of their four kids and needed expert help in getting the kids back. Finding attorneys who could schedule around interpreters that the court was reluctant to pay for was not easy, and overall I was left with the feeling that there should be a better, more efficient way for the deaf and hard of hearing to receive equal treatment under the law.
In the instance of the gas company, just signing up to have an account to get a gas line run was more like an obstacle course than an easily utilized service - especially shocking since in most counties, like this one, there is only one gas or electricity company which services the area, and therefore the deaf and hard of hearing have no choice but to follow the procedures set out by the monopoly holding company. For my friend, I will call her Tammy, the procedures were impossible since you could only set up services by calling the gas company. They had a TDD line, but Tammy doesn't subscribe to that service as it is slow and often error filled in matters like this; they also keep records of all the transcripts, which means Tammy's social security number, birthdate, and driver's license would be in the possession of the TDD company and therefore more open to identity theft. Tammy could easily have provided this information in a chat or an email, but the gas company refused those methods. She tried sending in a paper application, but a month with no heat and no contact from the gas company convinced her to ask for my help, after an afternoon of work lost in trying to go to the gas company's physical offices, where no one could help her since you can only start service - you got it, over the phone. I called the company and within twenty minutes Tammy had a case number, an engineer's name - and his email. Why would it have been so hard to just allow her to communicate via email in the first place? My blood was beginning to boil by the end of my call as the chirpy voice on the other end easily gave me the engineer's email.
Maybe if some time had passed I would have forgotten that experience, or at least simmered down, but today Tammy had yet another issue that would have been made so much easier if her cell phone company had any kind of accommodating procedure for the deaf and hard of hearing. Instead, I called for her when her iPhone was rendered useless after an iOS upgrade, and after half an hour on various holds, I finally got through to a human being in the accessibility department of Apple Support. He was a very kind fellow but he was very upfront about the fact that Apple has no solutions for Tammy.
How can this be a thing that our society just accepts?
Why is this even an issue in 2016?
Shouldn't courts have an easy to use system in place to accommodate our hard of hearing or deaf citizens? It took my court several weeks of me nagging to even get ear sets for my hard of hearing client. The accommodation was available in my county, but in many it isn't. I have been party to a court case that went on two years where a deaf mom, deaf dad and profoundly deaf child all had to appear, which meant the court had to hire four separate interpreters. It truly delayed the process for everyone, but especially for the parents who lost custody of their four kids and needed expert help in getting the kids back. Finding attorneys who could schedule around interpreters that the court was reluctant to pay for was not easy, and overall I was left with the feeling that there should be a better, more efficient way for the deaf and hard of hearing to receive equal treatment under the law.
In the instance of the gas company, just signing up to have an account to get a gas line run was more like an obstacle course than an easily utilized service - especially shocking since in most counties, like this one, there is only one gas or electricity company which services the area, and therefore the deaf and hard of hearing have no choice but to follow the procedures set out by the monopoly holding company. For my friend, I will call her Tammy, the procedures were impossible since you could only set up services by calling the gas company. They had a TDD line, but Tammy doesn't subscribe to that service as it is slow and often error filled in matters like this; they also keep records of all the transcripts, which means Tammy's social security number, birthdate, and driver's license would be in the possession of the TDD company and therefore more open to identity theft. Tammy could easily have provided this information in a chat or an email, but the gas company refused those methods. She tried sending in a paper application, but a month with no heat and no contact from the gas company convinced her to ask for my help, after an afternoon of work lost in trying to go to the gas company's physical offices, where no one could help her since you can only start service - you got it, over the phone. I called the company and within twenty minutes Tammy had a case number, an engineer's name - and his email. Why would it have been so hard to just allow her to communicate via email in the first place? My blood was beginning to boil by the end of my call as the chirpy voice on the other end easily gave me the engineer's email.
Maybe if some time had passed I would have forgotten that experience, or at least simmered down, but today Tammy had yet another issue that would have been made so much easier if her cell phone company had any kind of accommodating procedure for the deaf and hard of hearing. Instead, I called for her when her iPhone was rendered useless after an iOS upgrade, and after half an hour on various holds, I finally got through to a human being in the accessibility department of Apple Support. He was a very kind fellow but he was very upfront about the fact that Apple has no solutions for Tammy.
How can this be a thing that our society just accepts?
Sunday, November 6, 2016
After the fallout
Today I read an essay about this election season and the damage already done, no matter the outcome. It really touched something in me; our country is in a battle that encompasses so much more than politicians. For so long, the nation has been arguing and fussing and fighting and it's been getting worse and worse, with lots of "if you vote for person x, unfriend me" drama. I admit, I have felt and potentially said similar things.
But lately my mind has been on the after. What happens when the votes are cast and the winner is declared? How do we go back to being neighbors, friends, family in the aftermath?
This is such a direct analogy to the court process that I can't help but make the comparisons. When a court case ends, there is the same fallout. Parents may or may not be "elected" to have their kids returned to them. On all sides - mother, father, foster families, children- there have been people rooting for a specific outcome, and some of those people are going to "lose."
At the end of the case, the lawyers, the judge, the GAL, the social workers and therapists step out of the family's life, just as the commentators, campaign managers and the pollsters go away. The real people are left trying to rebuild the family, with or without their children. If the children have returned, it might seem like things could go back to the way they were before the court was involved, but over and over parents and children have told me that is not the case. Relationships are altered, and some of them broken, and our hope is that has happened as a direct result of parents and families mending the root cause that brought them to court in abuse and neglect cases.
The extended family is also changed, and often this is because of who they supported, and who they did not, in the court case. So often the court case stirs up the extended family, the church, the neighborhood in ways that can't easily be undone or forgotten, just like the election talk and its inevitable polarizing. It's hard to imagine the way forward, and yet families all over America do it every day, every month of every year.
On the other hand, if the kids are not reunited with one or both parents, the whole family structure is forever altered in a way that cannot be completely mended. A child returned to one parent but forever separated from the other adds a lot of questions into the child's future, and there is no denying the fact that loss is involved, for the child of course but also for other family members. A child removed from both parents is removed from the greater family in many cases, and if the child is placed with a family member at the conclusion and parents' rights are terminated, then the family "loses" the parents. Any solution where the child doesn't return to both parents is fraught with lots of difficulty in the future, even though that decision may be in the best interests of the child involved.
This feels like a long way around a really important point, one that a dear friend of mine faces every day, regardless of who is president: when the court gavel bangs its last tired note, the real people in child abuse and neglect cases, the ones whose lives are being scrutinized and taken apart and families disrupted, those people live the aftermath of the decision. My dear friend has four children, all affected profoundly by a case that happened a decade ago. The family structures of the adults and the children were altered forever.
And our nation is about to experience a similar rift. I wonder how many decades it will take for our families and friends and neighbors to right themselves, or to take on the new normal?
But lately my mind has been on the after. What happens when the votes are cast and the winner is declared? How do we go back to being neighbors, friends, family in the aftermath?
This is such a direct analogy to the court process that I can't help but make the comparisons. When a court case ends, there is the same fallout. Parents may or may not be "elected" to have their kids returned to them. On all sides - mother, father, foster families, children- there have been people rooting for a specific outcome, and some of those people are going to "lose."
At the end of the case, the lawyers, the judge, the GAL, the social workers and therapists step out of the family's life, just as the commentators, campaign managers and the pollsters go away. The real people are left trying to rebuild the family, with or without their children. If the children have returned, it might seem like things could go back to the way they were before the court was involved, but over and over parents and children have told me that is not the case. Relationships are altered, and some of them broken, and our hope is that has happened as a direct result of parents and families mending the root cause that brought them to court in abuse and neglect cases.
The extended family is also changed, and often this is because of who they supported, and who they did not, in the court case. So often the court case stirs up the extended family, the church, the neighborhood in ways that can't easily be undone or forgotten, just like the election talk and its inevitable polarizing. It's hard to imagine the way forward, and yet families all over America do it every day, every month of every year.
On the other hand, if the kids are not reunited with one or both parents, the whole family structure is forever altered in a way that cannot be completely mended. A child returned to one parent but forever separated from the other adds a lot of questions into the child's future, and there is no denying the fact that loss is involved, for the child of course but also for other family members. A child removed from both parents is removed from the greater family in many cases, and if the child is placed with a family member at the conclusion and parents' rights are terminated, then the family "loses" the parents. Any solution where the child doesn't return to both parents is fraught with lots of difficulty in the future, even though that decision may be in the best interests of the child involved.
This feels like a long way around a really important point, one that a dear friend of mine faces every day, regardless of who is president: when the court gavel bangs its last tired note, the real people in child abuse and neglect cases, the ones whose lives are being scrutinized and taken apart and families disrupted, those people live the aftermath of the decision. My dear friend has four children, all affected profoundly by a case that happened a decade ago. The family structures of the adults and the children were altered forever.
And our nation is about to experience a similar rift. I wonder how many decades it will take for our families and friends and neighbors to right themselves, or to take on the new normal?
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Time for What Do You Think Wednesday!
I'm starting a new practice here at TGFJ - "What Do You Think?" Wednesday will be a !hopefully weekly staple where I share news stories serious, practical and fluff. I may or may not share my own thoughts, but I would love to hear yours, or get you talking in your offices and homes. Each week I will add a story or two suggested by one or more of my kids and another by one or more of my clients.
Megyn Kelly and Newt Gingrich Talk Sex - Predators That Is
(If it had been a male interviewer, would Gingrich have maintained the same exact language?)
Fashionista Rebel Says She Would Hate This
(And I just think it should be a criminal act to name all your kids with the same first letter if you have more than two or three kids.)
November is National Adoption Month
Justin Timberlake, This is For You
Supreme Court Takes on.....Bathroom Use?
(Pssst - I'll Go With You)
Is There an Expiration on When You Can Wear Jeans?
(Who knew I was ahead of my time?)
Get the Vote Out
Megyn Kelly and Newt Gingrich Talk Sex - Predators That Is
(If it had been a male interviewer, would Gingrich have maintained the same exact language?)
Fashionista Rebel Says She Would Hate This
(And I just think it should be a criminal act to name all your kids with the same first letter if you have more than two or three kids.)
November is National Adoption Month
Justin Timberlake, This is For You
Supreme Court Takes on.....Bathroom Use?
(Pssst - I'll Go With You)
Is There an Expiration on When You Can Wear Jeans?
(Who knew I was ahead of my time?)
Get the Vote Out
More on meditation and mindfulness for lawyers
As I was trying to articulate yesterday, the practice of law is uniquely stressful. The latest statistics indicate that as many as forty percent of us suffer from depression. Years of study suggest that lawyers also have higher rates of suicide, anxiety, and substance addiction issues than the general population.
If these numbers are to be believed, why is this not seen as a crisis, central to education starting in law school and continuing in CLEs? Is there a really obvious reason? I think there might be.
Lawyers are expected, in most cases, to work long and serious hours in order to make billable hour requirements annually. Back when I was a new lawyer, working for a county as their only GAL in abuse and neglect cases, I was often in court from eight a.m. till eight p.m., many times with only half an hour for lunch and no bathroom breaks at all. The rest of the week was spent in a flurry of emails and calls that I look back on with true sorrow. It was necessary at the time, because of my state's GAL rules, and yet it could not have served my clients. Why?
There were many hours each day when I would be on two or even three calls at once, switching back and forth between them to be sure I heard at least part of each meeting. As a GAL, I am obliged not to just be dead wood in a meeting or a court hearing, but to fully participate, so I did try hard to provide useful information, comment or suggestion. But looking back - how did I think that would even work?
If that sounds crazy, it's because it was. Yet I did it for almost four years, and I even maintained that through pregnancy bedrest. Were those practices mindful? Not even close. Did they feel necessary? Yes. I was working a sixty hour week on a part-time job pay, and even that much time was not truly mindful of my clients or of my own health.
At that time I was raising all four of my daughters, and Smarter than Me Survivor suffered the worst loss of her young life. Right around that time I started to take an accounting of my own life, partially in response to how exhausted and out of step I felt with my kids, and in part because my own mental health was starting to suffer.
It is incumbent upon lawyers to protect themselves, so that they can also protect their families and their clients from a lawyer who is too depressed, anxious or exhausted to function. I've been forthcoming about my own difficulties in this area, but it was really dang hard to find another attorney to talk to, be authentic with, about my struggles. And that just should not be the case.
Even just taking five minutes to assess where you are in life and your career, and where you truly feel you belong, is a start. I've been working on The Five Minute Journal after reading here and here about the value in writing out what you are grateful for each morning, as well as an affirmation, and then revisiting the journal each evening.
It may sound like I am spending a lot of time in 'self care' between a walk each day, the journal, and the meditation, but in fact the three add up to less than an hour. I take a kid along on my walk from time to time, which adds not multitasking but single focus on one child, and also teaches kids to value the quiet and exercise and nature.
None of these things are set in stone, and I don't want anyone to think I have cornered the market on how this works. There is no one perfect way to work in mindfulness and a bit of meditation into a day. For some lawyers, a short walk while purposing to clear the mind of all thought could happen at lunch; for another lawyer the practice of yoga and prayer might be the right answer. I don't think there is a "bright line law" on this - but I do think each lawyer should do a bit of research and experiment with things that will work for him or her. Your clients, your family and your own mental health will thank you.
If these numbers are to be believed, why is this not seen as a crisis, central to education starting in law school and continuing in CLEs? Is there a really obvious reason? I think there might be.
Lawyers are expected, in most cases, to work long and serious hours in order to make billable hour requirements annually. Back when I was a new lawyer, working for a county as their only GAL in abuse and neglect cases, I was often in court from eight a.m. till eight p.m., many times with only half an hour for lunch and no bathroom breaks at all. The rest of the week was spent in a flurry of emails and calls that I look back on with true sorrow. It was necessary at the time, because of my state's GAL rules, and yet it could not have served my clients. Why?
There were many hours each day when I would be on two or even three calls at once, switching back and forth between them to be sure I heard at least part of each meeting. As a GAL, I am obliged not to just be dead wood in a meeting or a court hearing, but to fully participate, so I did try hard to provide useful information, comment or suggestion. But looking back - how did I think that would even work?
If that sounds crazy, it's because it was. Yet I did it for almost four years, and I even maintained that through pregnancy bedrest. Were those practices mindful? Not even close. Did they feel necessary? Yes. I was working a sixty hour week on a part-time job pay, and even that much time was not truly mindful of my clients or of my own health.
At that time I was raising all four of my daughters, and Smarter than Me Survivor suffered the worst loss of her young life. Right around that time I started to take an accounting of my own life, partially in response to how exhausted and out of step I felt with my kids, and in part because my own mental health was starting to suffer.
It is incumbent upon lawyers to protect themselves, so that they can also protect their families and their clients from a lawyer who is too depressed, anxious or exhausted to function. I've been forthcoming about my own difficulties in this area, but it was really dang hard to find another attorney to talk to, be authentic with, about my struggles. And that just should not be the case.
Even just taking five minutes to assess where you are in life and your career, and where you truly feel you belong, is a start. I've been working on The Five Minute Journal after reading here and here about the value in writing out what you are grateful for each morning, as well as an affirmation, and then revisiting the journal each evening.
It may sound like I am spending a lot of time in 'self care' between a walk each day, the journal, and the meditation, but in fact the three add up to less than an hour. I take a kid along on my walk from time to time, which adds not multitasking but single focus on one child, and also teaches kids to value the quiet and exercise and nature.
None of these things are set in stone, and I don't want anyone to think I have cornered the market on how this works. There is no one perfect way to work in mindfulness and a bit of meditation into a day. For some lawyers, a short walk while purposing to clear the mind of all thought could happen at lunch; for another lawyer the practice of yoga and prayer might be the right answer. I don't think there is a "bright line law" on this - but I do think each lawyer should do a bit of research and experiment with things that will work for him or her. Your clients, your family and your own mental health will thank you.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Meditation
Yesterday's post made me think about the ways a lawyer, and specifically a GAL, can avoid secondary trauma, or at least cope with it. One of the very best things I have discovered is meditation, or mindfulness. I think this is something that can benefit anyone, although I realize there are lots of very common arguments people might make (to themselves or to others) against meditation.
One of those is that Christians, especially, cannot meditate because it is a sneaky way of falling into Eastern religion practices. Ignoring the obvious historical and biblical facts that Christianity was actually started in the Middle East, there are some other confusions about meditation as opposing Christian beliefs.
"Instead of meditating, just pray." OK, prayer is important for many people, and often it is done in silence, when one is alone. But prayer really does not replace meditation; prayer is a discussion or at least an entreaty to another. Meditation is silencing all thought, allowing your mind to experience true calm. So if this is an argument you hear or you make to yourself, do both!
"As a Christian, you should not follow any Eastern religion rituals or you are risking dishonoring God." But that argument already has a fallacy, right, since Christianity began in the Middle East? In addition, how is God dishonored by the fact that human beings help each other learn better ways to manage stress? I consider this one to be much like the "you shouldn't do yoga because it means you are worshipping other gods" comments that were popular before yoga got so prevalent in our fitness arenas.
The other most common idea that keeps people from meditating is the idea that a restless or ADHD or anxiety prone mind cannot possibly meditate because of those very issues. But the funny thing is, meditating is probably best for those who have chemical or behavioral (or both) difficulty concentrating. Meditation is famously known among those who have given it a fair shake for helping focus and concentration.
More on this tomorrow, but I would truly advise a peruse through The Anxious Lawyer's podcasts, or Chel Hamilton's Meditation Minis. Both are short, to the point, and so helpful for beginning to take your anxiety, worries, focus and mindfulness into your own hands.
One of those is that Christians, especially, cannot meditate because it is a sneaky way of falling into Eastern religion practices. Ignoring the obvious historical and biblical facts that Christianity was actually started in the Middle East, there are some other confusions about meditation as opposing Christian beliefs.
"Instead of meditating, just pray." OK, prayer is important for many people, and often it is done in silence, when one is alone. But prayer really does not replace meditation; prayer is a discussion or at least an entreaty to another. Meditation is silencing all thought, allowing your mind to experience true calm. So if this is an argument you hear or you make to yourself, do both!
"As a Christian, you should not follow any Eastern religion rituals or you are risking dishonoring God." But that argument already has a fallacy, right, since Christianity began in the Middle East? In addition, how is God dishonored by the fact that human beings help each other learn better ways to manage stress? I consider this one to be much like the "you shouldn't do yoga because it means you are worshipping other gods" comments that were popular before yoga got so prevalent in our fitness arenas.
The other most common idea that keeps people from meditating is the idea that a restless or ADHD or anxiety prone mind cannot possibly meditate because of those very issues. But the funny thing is, meditating is probably best for those who have chemical or behavioral (or both) difficulty concentrating. Meditation is famously known among those who have given it a fair shake for helping focus and concentration.
More on this tomorrow, but I would truly advise a peruse through The Anxious Lawyer's podcasts, or Chel Hamilton's Meditation Minis. Both are short, to the point, and so helpful for beginning to take your anxiety, worries, focus and mindfulness into your own hands.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Scandal and Reputation
It's a thorny topic. The lawyers I know who have dealt with it are not eager to talk about it, but it's an open secret among us. Scandals. They happen. They happen frequently. I don't know about other areas of practice; it seems somehow less likely that say, tax or corporate lawyers end up in the scandal position as often as family law and juvenile law practitioners.
And juvenile and family lawyers might have a different kind of stress. Secondary trauma is very real, and though lawyers wouldn't seem to be as close to most clients as say, social workers or therapists, in some cases we are. And it is certainly true that hearing about so much first hand trauma (abuse, addiction, neglect, sexual wrongs, and so many unbelievable traumas that humans endure) can grow into a mental health issue for anyone, lawyers included.
Secondary trauma is its own mental conundrum, and one that is often ignored until an attorney loses his or her ability to make good decisions. At that point, there is often a scandal, sadly - an attorney might act in ways that worry others, drink too much or take illegal substances, become anxious or depressed, or even consider, attempt or commit suicide. In any other career, these issues might be the subject of gossip, but in a legal career it becomes a scandal (and possibly a bar standing offense) which almost always affects the attorney's reputation. Usually forever.
I don't want to be one of those "my friend heard of" people so let me just admit that I myself suffered some pretty awful depression and anxiety which caused me to lose friends that I once considered close at least in the legal community. Now, most of the real friends remain, and most of my legal community friends are still here. I left a job that was causing me a huge amount of stress, and allowed my health a chance to catch up, since in three years I had e coli, c diff, MRSA, prolonged high risk pregnancy bedrest, a hysterectomy, a broken foot, many blood transfusions and infusions, and numerous other infections and health problems. They seemed too much to bear with a job where things were very - sketchy- and a marriage and new family with its own stresses, and my mind really took a beating.
So, I had something of a mini-scandal in leaving a job within a year of starting, with so many hospitalizations and some trusted people who had their own agendas (not to bag on them too much - some of the agenda was to dump the friend who was sure seeming off with so many hospital and doctor visits). My reputation did suffer, and it has taken and is still taking some time to totally recover. I made some enemies through my erratic absences and others in my tough legal stances (those I don't regret at all!). Every legal community is small, and lawyers with problems, any problems, get known really quickly.
Now, I didn't face bar discipline at all, but I did come to know a few lawyers over the years who did end up somewhere down that road. A friend I graduated with was disbarred, for conduct before she was even a bar member. She's out of the legal community (by force), but she isn't out of the $100K student loans and she has not escaped the endless attacks on her personal reputation, even though she is not anywhere near the legal field. She was disbarred several years ago and yet she is still talked about negatively, her reputation sullied so that she could never reapply for the bar in this state.
Another person I knew, not as well, simply went a bit over the edge, knew she was in need of help, tried to get it from her (county) employer and could not do so without resigning her job. She was not disciplined, but just like me, she was still gossiped about, her reputation bandied about as if she had actually done some disciplinable offense. In fact, she had been in a position of secondary trauma for fifteen years - with no in house or encouraged or provided therapy or other methods of coping. She experienced mental health issues which were not outside of the norm for the kind of delicate and stressful work she did with no breaks in career path. She was an ace lead attorney in a highly contested abuse and neglect court, and now she lives from disability and a few here and there jobs. She got meds and therapy and has a totally healthy life now, but she couldn't get a job anywhere near kids in need ever again - not because of her, but because of her now completely in tatters reputation.
I could go on and on, but it's time for my meditation and my medication, the two ways I am working to stay out of that kind of reputation assault. My health got better after I left the job that felt weird and wired and worrying - a job where other lawyers also agreed all was not ok, lawyers who could not afford to walk away and whom I am still friends with. I am still happily working contract jobs and looking out for kids. My reputation damage was limited in part by my true friends who stopped a couple of rumors from spreading about my health, but in the end, what if I had truly had mental health issues? Why is it so scandlous to need, ask for, and receive mental health treatmnt when we think nothing of getting help for c diff, MRSA, appendicitis, and the like?
And even if the "scandal" is something potentially discplined, why do we have to make it worse with gossip and scandal and reputation besmirching? How does that help the legal profession to be more honorable, how does it help individuals in the system to be better, happier, anything really but just gossips? Thoughts for the day, but not for meditation.
Please leave your comments - I would love a discussion on this topic!
And juvenile and family lawyers might have a different kind of stress. Secondary trauma is very real, and though lawyers wouldn't seem to be as close to most clients as say, social workers or therapists, in some cases we are. And it is certainly true that hearing about so much first hand trauma (abuse, addiction, neglect, sexual wrongs, and so many unbelievable traumas that humans endure) can grow into a mental health issue for anyone, lawyers included.
Secondary trauma is its own mental conundrum, and one that is often ignored until an attorney loses his or her ability to make good decisions. At that point, there is often a scandal, sadly - an attorney might act in ways that worry others, drink too much or take illegal substances, become anxious or depressed, or even consider, attempt or commit suicide. In any other career, these issues might be the subject of gossip, but in a legal career it becomes a scandal (and possibly a bar standing offense) which almost always affects the attorney's reputation. Usually forever.
I don't want to be one of those "my friend heard of" people so let me just admit that I myself suffered some pretty awful depression and anxiety which caused me to lose friends that I once considered close at least in the legal community. Now, most of the real friends remain, and most of my legal community friends are still here. I left a job that was causing me a huge amount of stress, and allowed my health a chance to catch up, since in three years I had e coli, c diff, MRSA, prolonged high risk pregnancy bedrest, a hysterectomy, a broken foot, many blood transfusions and infusions, and numerous other infections and health problems. They seemed too much to bear with a job where things were very - sketchy- and a marriage and new family with its own stresses, and my mind really took a beating.
So, I had something of a mini-scandal in leaving a job within a year of starting, with so many hospitalizations and some trusted people who had their own agendas (not to bag on them too much - some of the agenda was to dump the friend who was sure seeming off with so many hospital and doctor visits). My reputation did suffer, and it has taken and is still taking some time to totally recover. I made some enemies through my erratic absences and others in my tough legal stances (those I don't regret at all!). Every legal community is small, and lawyers with problems, any problems, get known really quickly.
Now, I didn't face bar discipline at all, but I did come to know a few lawyers over the years who did end up somewhere down that road. A friend I graduated with was disbarred, for conduct before she was even a bar member. She's out of the legal community (by force), but she isn't out of the $100K student loans and she has not escaped the endless attacks on her personal reputation, even though she is not anywhere near the legal field. She was disbarred several years ago and yet she is still talked about negatively, her reputation sullied so that she could never reapply for the bar in this state.
Another person I knew, not as well, simply went a bit over the edge, knew she was in need of help, tried to get it from her (county) employer and could not do so without resigning her job. She was not disciplined, but just like me, she was still gossiped about, her reputation bandied about as if she had actually done some disciplinable offense. In fact, she had been in a position of secondary trauma for fifteen years - with no in house or encouraged or provided therapy or other methods of coping. She experienced mental health issues which were not outside of the norm for the kind of delicate and stressful work she did with no breaks in career path. She was an ace lead attorney in a highly contested abuse and neglect court, and now she lives from disability and a few here and there jobs. She got meds and therapy and has a totally healthy life now, but she couldn't get a job anywhere near kids in need ever again - not because of her, but because of her now completely in tatters reputation.
I could go on and on, but it's time for my meditation and my medication, the two ways I am working to stay out of that kind of reputation assault. My health got better after I left the job that felt weird and wired and worrying - a job where other lawyers also agreed all was not ok, lawyers who could not afford to walk away and whom I am still friends with. I am still happily working contract jobs and looking out for kids. My reputation damage was limited in part by my true friends who stopped a couple of rumors from spreading about my health, but in the end, what if I had truly had mental health issues? Why is it so scandlous to need, ask for, and receive mental health treatmnt when we think nothing of getting help for c diff, MRSA, appendicitis, and the like?
And even if the "scandal" is something potentially discplined, why do we have to make it worse with gossip and scandal and reputation besmirching? How does that help the legal profession to be more honorable, how does it help individuals in the system to be better, happier, anything really but just gossips? Thoughts for the day, but not for meditation.
Please leave your comments - I would love a discussion on this topic!
Things that happen in real court proceedings
1) People cry, or yell (at their lawyer, at other parties, at the judge - you name it!), or stare into space like they don't know they are in court.
2) Parties come to court drunk or high. Yes, this happens, and yes, if I suspect it, I will ask for an immediate, same day, urine drop. And yes, the judge will order it, because believe it or not, we have seen it many times and you aren't fooling us. Those pupils, your breath, your tweaking, the slow response time, and many other involuntary clues give you away.
3) Hearts break - and even though you might not think your judge or the social worker or the GAL or your attorney have emotions, some of us will cry all the way home to release the emotions of participating in your case. We know your heart, or your child's heart, or other parties in your family or close friends are hurting, so we will hold our own emotions until you are gone.
4) You are right that most of the court employees and attorneys know each other. We have lots of cases together, in most cases, and we have relationships outside of the proceedings - sometimes good ones, and sometimes not so good. Sometimes those relationships do affect how cases end up. It should not be that way, but it does happen.
5) The attorneys and sometimes the judges have "gallows humor" privately. It's our way of sloughing off some of the stress that comes with being involved with dozens or hundreds of sad, horrifying, angering or tragic cases. If you happen to see attorneys and judges laughing together, it is not at you - it is at ourselves, really. We are very aware of the heavy role we play in the lives of real people.
6) Many parents or guardians don't have attorneys, and fall into a grey area where they might technically have difficulty getting a court appointed attorney due to owning a house and having a job. Ask the judge or the juvenile officer for a detailed form that also considers your debt, if you want an attorney appointed by the court.
7) On that note, there is a trend I am noticing of people not wanting a court appointed attorney because of the idea that if the attorneys know other attorneys on the case, they won't zealously represent a party they are appointed to. While this might be true occasionally, far more often the attorney having good relationships with other attorneys and court personnel is extremely helpful to the parent or guardian they are representing. If I were a parent involved in an abuse or neglect case, I know who I would want as an attorney and as a guardian ad litem for my kids - and all of those attorneys practice exclusively in the CAN courts, and they know each other and the regular faces quite well. I would never hire an attorney who didn't practice regularly in the CAN courts.
8) Child abuse and neglect cases are a very specialized kind of court proceeding. If a party hasn't been to court before, then it might not be shocking, but for those who have been to court on DUIs, divorces, traffic tickets, and the like, a CAN court can be quite offputting. The rules of evidence are often different, and the cases are often very prolonged, with many hearings through the life of a case. More people talk in our cases, and the judge often directly questions kids and parents about how things are going. As noted above, a party can be ordered to drug and alcohol testing directly from a hearing; some courts have testing available right at court so that it will happen immediatly.
9) Children often attend the hearings. If yours do, please be calm and don't approach them if the court order doesn't allow for it. It will only upset them-and make trouble for you also. Please don't curse or be disruptive, and please remember that your child is stressed and traumatized by this whole ordeal also. Please?
10) Parties come to court dressed in inappropriate clothes, makeup, shoes, hair. This is my last point but it's a crucial one. When you appear in court, you should wear clothing that covers you. No shorts, no sleeveless, no wife beater tanks, no super short skirts, no crazy weird hair or makeup, no slits or cleavage, and no drooping pants. Think church clothing, or something you would go see your grandmother in - anything that helps you choose clothes that won't get you thrown out of court. I have seen people (even my child clients) be removed from court or be taken to the jail to put on jail clothes temporarily so the hearing can go on. If you attend court in a super short skirt and a midriff baring shirt with a spackle of makeup and high high heels, you are sending a message. It may not seem fair, but if you look like that, or you wear a wife beater and droop your pants - it's hard to take you seriously. It's on you to project the image you want us to receive.
2) Parties come to court drunk or high. Yes, this happens, and yes, if I suspect it, I will ask for an immediate, same day, urine drop. And yes, the judge will order it, because believe it or not, we have seen it many times and you aren't fooling us. Those pupils, your breath, your tweaking, the slow response time, and many other involuntary clues give you away.
3) Hearts break - and even though you might not think your judge or the social worker or the GAL or your attorney have emotions, some of us will cry all the way home to release the emotions of participating in your case. We know your heart, or your child's heart, or other parties in your family or close friends are hurting, so we will hold our own emotions until you are gone.
4) You are right that most of the court employees and attorneys know each other. We have lots of cases together, in most cases, and we have relationships outside of the proceedings - sometimes good ones, and sometimes not so good. Sometimes those relationships do affect how cases end up. It should not be that way, but it does happen.
5) The attorneys and sometimes the judges have "gallows humor" privately. It's our way of sloughing off some of the stress that comes with being involved with dozens or hundreds of sad, horrifying, angering or tragic cases. If you happen to see attorneys and judges laughing together, it is not at you - it is at ourselves, really. We are very aware of the heavy role we play in the lives of real people.
6) Many parents or guardians don't have attorneys, and fall into a grey area where they might technically have difficulty getting a court appointed attorney due to owning a house and having a job. Ask the judge or the juvenile officer for a detailed form that also considers your debt, if you want an attorney appointed by the court.
7) On that note, there is a trend I am noticing of people not wanting a court appointed attorney because of the idea that if the attorneys know other attorneys on the case, they won't zealously represent a party they are appointed to. While this might be true occasionally, far more often the attorney having good relationships with other attorneys and court personnel is extremely helpful to the parent or guardian they are representing. If I were a parent involved in an abuse or neglect case, I know who I would want as an attorney and as a guardian ad litem for my kids - and all of those attorneys practice exclusively in the CAN courts, and they know each other and the regular faces quite well. I would never hire an attorney who didn't practice regularly in the CAN courts.
8) Child abuse and neglect cases are a very specialized kind of court proceeding. If a party hasn't been to court before, then it might not be shocking, but for those who have been to court on DUIs, divorces, traffic tickets, and the like, a CAN court can be quite offputting. The rules of evidence are often different, and the cases are often very prolonged, with many hearings through the life of a case. More people talk in our cases, and the judge often directly questions kids and parents about how things are going. As noted above, a party can be ordered to drug and alcohol testing directly from a hearing; some courts have testing available right at court so that it will happen immediatly.
9) Children often attend the hearings. If yours do, please be calm and don't approach them if the court order doesn't allow for it. It will only upset them-and make trouble for you also. Please don't curse or be disruptive, and please remember that your child is stressed and traumatized by this whole ordeal also. Please?
10) Parties come to court dressed in inappropriate clothes, makeup, shoes, hair. This is my last point but it's a crucial one. When you appear in court, you should wear clothing that covers you. No shorts, no sleeveless, no wife beater tanks, no super short skirts, no crazy weird hair or makeup, no slits or cleavage, and no drooping pants. Think church clothing, or something you would go see your grandmother in - anything that helps you choose clothes that won't get you thrown out of court. I have seen people (even my child clients) be removed from court or be taken to the jail to put on jail clothes temporarily so the hearing can go on. If you attend court in a super short skirt and a midriff baring shirt with a spackle of makeup and high high heels, you are sending a message. It may not seem fair, but if you look like that, or you wear a wife beater and droop your pants - it's hard to take you seriously. It's on you to project the image you want us to receive.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Files and files and files
This week begins my attempt to clean out all my files - I have ten years of client files which have all been saved in the cloud, but which I also have all the paper copies of. It's been quite a reminder, a memory jog that burned no calories, going through each file to store the physical copy more efficiently.
One of my first cases was a sexual abuse victim and siblings, and when I read through the paperwork I recall being so horrified, so sure that this was a unique and almost singular situation - a young girl abused by her mother's paramour, with the result a pregnancy which ended in the death of the fetus in a sketchy way. The young girl was a hero - and still is to me - but the situation of the mother's paramour being abusive (and perhaps a pedophile, if the suppositions I had as the case progressed were correct) and getting away with it is all too common.
In that instance, there was not enough criminal evidence to have this man charged; it was mostly shoddy police work in preserving DNA from the fetus remains. The work of the police, while probably standard at the time, was so poor that the man not only went free, but also the woman who had chosen him as a psuedo father to her several young children never quite believed he had done this despicable act.
In the balance, several young children were removed from their only known parent, and placed with another relative of questionable ability to parent. Their biological mother waffled back and forth and didn't quite know whom to "believe" in the case of her eldest child and her paramour. Finally she chose the children, although none of us working with the family was quite convinced her choice was about the children so much as it was about the lack of financial help (food stamps, housing allowance, SSI, etc) she received without them in her household.
All of this was very dramatic and dire, just as it sounds. But it was not nearly so rare as I thought at the time. I can't even count the number of households where I have seen a very close parallel to this story - a mother, her kids, and a man who is not the father of all (and often, indeed, not the biological father of any) of the children, and an act of abuse. Often, it is a sexual abuse, and many times it is on multiple children. And in my estimation, about half of the time, perhaps slightly more, the mother chooses to remain with her paramour, even up to and beyond the point of her children being removed from her.
Now let me pause here to say that I was horrified - and I am still horrified - that a mother could choose a man over her child or children. But in the next breath I will say that my judgment of such women is much more clouded than it once was, both legally and personally. I would like to say that this situation never happens, and that when it does, the woman is a horrible, evil person with no real love for her children.
That isn't the case. Just for a moment, as hard as it is, put yourself and your spouse in this situation: One of your children's friend's parents has called social services with grave concerns that one of your children is being abused sexually. This other adult doesn't know for sure, but she overheard a conversation your child and her child had which pointed towards an adult in your child's life behaving inappropriately.
Your child told her child about a "game" that the man in her household played with her. He would tickle her whole body, and told her not to tell anyone. Immediately, many of us have ears that prick up at the "not to tell anyone" portion, and maybe even at the "tickle her whole body" comment. Some of us are mandated reporters, and if your child's friend had a parent who was mandated to report suspected abuse, the right thing for her to do would be to call the abuse hotline. She might or might not also speak to you, the parent, about what she had overheard.
The next thing you know, social services is at the door, wanting to speak to your child personally, without you present. What would you think? What would you do? Are you sure?
In the next hour, if you allowed it, your child would be questioned, and if the worker feared the allegations were true, your child might very likely be removed from your home to be questioned more and to be placed in temporary care of a foster home. Your paramour or spouse would come home to find you shattered and confused. Would you believe he had done something wrong at that point?
More on this in the next post - but just for a moment, think about your home, your kids, your partner. Are you very sure you jump to believe that your partner had done something horrific?
One of my first cases was a sexual abuse victim and siblings, and when I read through the paperwork I recall being so horrified, so sure that this was a unique and almost singular situation - a young girl abused by her mother's paramour, with the result a pregnancy which ended in the death of the fetus in a sketchy way. The young girl was a hero - and still is to me - but the situation of the mother's paramour being abusive (and perhaps a pedophile, if the suppositions I had as the case progressed were correct) and getting away with it is all too common.
In that instance, there was not enough criminal evidence to have this man charged; it was mostly shoddy police work in preserving DNA from the fetus remains. The work of the police, while probably standard at the time, was so poor that the man not only went free, but also the woman who had chosen him as a psuedo father to her several young children never quite believed he had done this despicable act.
In the balance, several young children were removed from their only known parent, and placed with another relative of questionable ability to parent. Their biological mother waffled back and forth and didn't quite know whom to "believe" in the case of her eldest child and her paramour. Finally she chose the children, although none of us working with the family was quite convinced her choice was about the children so much as it was about the lack of financial help (food stamps, housing allowance, SSI, etc) she received without them in her household.
All of this was very dramatic and dire, just as it sounds. But it was not nearly so rare as I thought at the time. I can't even count the number of households where I have seen a very close parallel to this story - a mother, her kids, and a man who is not the father of all (and often, indeed, not the biological father of any) of the children, and an act of abuse. Often, it is a sexual abuse, and many times it is on multiple children. And in my estimation, about half of the time, perhaps slightly more, the mother chooses to remain with her paramour, even up to and beyond the point of her children being removed from her.
Now let me pause here to say that I was horrified - and I am still horrified - that a mother could choose a man over her child or children. But in the next breath I will say that my judgment of such women is much more clouded than it once was, both legally and personally. I would like to say that this situation never happens, and that when it does, the woman is a horrible, evil person with no real love for her children.
That isn't the case. Just for a moment, as hard as it is, put yourself and your spouse in this situation: One of your children's friend's parents has called social services with grave concerns that one of your children is being abused sexually. This other adult doesn't know for sure, but she overheard a conversation your child and her child had which pointed towards an adult in your child's life behaving inappropriately.
Your child told her child about a "game" that the man in her household played with her. He would tickle her whole body, and told her not to tell anyone. Immediately, many of us have ears that prick up at the "not to tell anyone" portion, and maybe even at the "tickle her whole body" comment. Some of us are mandated reporters, and if your child's friend had a parent who was mandated to report suspected abuse, the right thing for her to do would be to call the abuse hotline. She might or might not also speak to you, the parent, about what she had overheard.
The next thing you know, social services is at the door, wanting to speak to your child personally, without you present. What would you think? What would you do? Are you sure?
In the next hour, if you allowed it, your child would be questioned, and if the worker feared the allegations were true, your child might very likely be removed from your home to be questioned more and to be placed in temporary care of a foster home. Your paramour or spouse would come home to find you shattered and confused. Would you believe he had done something wrong at that point?
More on this in the next post - but just for a moment, think about your home, your kids, your partner. Are you very sure you jump to believe that your partner had done something horrific?
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Interruptus Gesticaticus
The sloppy title hopefully gives it away - I have been absent from my inept attempt at blogging due to a sudden onset of gestation!
Which is pretty weird since a) I am not married (no biggie there), b) I was on birth control when I got knocked up, and c) I haven't done this in more than a decade - the youngest around here is eleven. But, the more the merrier, etc, and onward we go, if a bit green around the gills and way too old and tired to enjoy the joke yet.
On the job front I am keeping this schtum, mainly since, haha here's more irony, I am something of a role model in my GAL role and perhaps an unwed, unplanned, late in life pregnancy won't be well met in my court or with my other coworkers. This isn't too easy with my often twelve hours straight through court days where I now MUST take pee breaks (and no one else including the judge ever does).
The job is already a bit tense, since I may be having my pay cut significantly as my job splits in the new year. My current job is both GAL and delinquency defense, and frankly, I have too many clients to be ethical at either job; new state laws regarding GAL standards have put the onus on me to inform the court of this overage of clients. I have done so and the solution is apparently to split the job (which is needed very badly, not only due to head count but also due to raging conflicts of interest that are coming up in at least one-fourth of the cases - call it small town, everyone knows/screws/deals/perps together or on one another - a very sick version of Cheers). The bad news is, the county can't pay me my salary and still actually pay a delinquency defender...so instead, my pay gets cut. Gotta figure out some way to make the numbers crunch in a way that doesn't leave us homeless with a newborn.
I might add here, with every understanding that I begin to sound pitiful, I also have no health insurance outside COBRA from my divorce ($$$$) and no time off unless I pay a replacement. I'm a contract employee, which I now understand to mean "screwed." There is a job on the horizon which I could take, one which would give me insurance and time off and the whole normal spiel, but it would be far less flexible than my current setting, where I have some ability to work from home at least.
In spite of all the shocking and/or nearly Dickensian sounding news here, I am pretty happy and the kids are thrilled that we will have a baby next year. Who knew this was the direction we would take, with one graduating and leaving for college in 2012? What fun, to have a small one again!
Typed while munching broccoli and carrots and swigging back not rum and diets but Crystal Light ;-)
Which is pretty weird since a) I am not married (no biggie there), b) I was on birth control when I got knocked up, and c) I haven't done this in more than a decade - the youngest around here is eleven. But, the more the merrier, etc, and onward we go, if a bit green around the gills and way too old and tired to enjoy the joke yet.
On the job front I am keeping this schtum, mainly since, haha here's more irony, I am something of a role model in my GAL role and perhaps an unwed, unplanned, late in life pregnancy won't be well met in my court or with my other coworkers. This isn't too easy with my often twelve hours straight through court days where I now MUST take pee breaks (and no one else including the judge ever does).
The job is already a bit tense, since I may be having my pay cut significantly as my job splits in the new year. My current job is both GAL and delinquency defense, and frankly, I have too many clients to be ethical at either job; new state laws regarding GAL standards have put the onus on me to inform the court of this overage of clients. I have done so and the solution is apparently to split the job (which is needed very badly, not only due to head count but also due to raging conflicts of interest that are coming up in at least one-fourth of the cases - call it small town, everyone knows/screws/deals/perps together or on one another - a very sick version of Cheers). The bad news is, the county can't pay me my salary and still actually pay a delinquency defender...so instead, my pay gets cut. Gotta figure out some way to make the numbers crunch in a way that doesn't leave us homeless with a newborn.
I might add here, with every understanding that I begin to sound pitiful, I also have no health insurance outside COBRA from my divorce ($$$$) and no time off unless I pay a replacement. I'm a contract employee, which I now understand to mean "screwed." There is a job on the horizon which I could take, one which would give me insurance and time off and the whole normal spiel, but it would be far less flexible than my current setting, where I have some ability to work from home at least.
In spite of all the shocking and/or nearly Dickensian sounding news here, I am pretty happy and the kids are thrilled that we will have a baby next year. Who knew this was the direction we would take, with one graduating and leaving for college in 2012? What fun, to have a small one again!
Typed while munching broccoli and carrots and swigging back not rum and diets but Crystal Light ;-)
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Workload
My workload is at a crazy level. I have a number of cases that I consider way beyond what can ethically be handled - 273 at this time. I am working a court day this week (four for the week today, but one specifically bad ones) that I anticipate will run from eight a.m. to ten p.m.
Yes, you read that right.
And, we don't take breaks. Not for lunch, not to pee. Well, that is a slight exaggeration. At around three or four in the afternoon we will have a twenty minute break - but I won't, because during that time we do the adoption docket and I am on those too.
I sound complainy again, and I am in fact complaining, but I am also wondering - is this the normal working day for an attorney? Tomorrow I will have what I think of as a normal day - eight to five in court with a lunch, then two hours of phone conferences on the drive two and from. Oh, and at least two hours after the kids are in their rooms for the night, prepping for the nightmare day described above.
The day after nightmare day, I will have a half day of court and then six hours of phone conferences. Thursday will be all day phone conferences and meetings, no court appearances, and then Friday I have two half day trials - that's the easiest day of my week.
I knew I would work many hours as an attorney, but I truly had no idea that any court worked fourteen hour days with no breaks. Anyone else in that situation?
Yes, you read that right.
And, we don't take breaks. Not for lunch, not to pee. Well, that is a slight exaggeration. At around three or four in the afternoon we will have a twenty minute break - but I won't, because during that time we do the adoption docket and I am on those too.
I sound complainy again, and I am in fact complaining, but I am also wondering - is this the normal working day for an attorney? Tomorrow I will have what I think of as a normal day - eight to five in court with a lunch, then two hours of phone conferences on the drive two and from. Oh, and at least two hours after the kids are in their rooms for the night, prepping for the nightmare day described above.
The day after nightmare day, I will have a half day of court and then six hours of phone conferences. Thursday will be all day phone conferences and meetings, no court appearances, and then Friday I have two half day trials - that's the easiest day of my week.
I knew I would work many hours as an attorney, but I truly had no idea that any court worked fourteen hour days with no breaks. Anyone else in that situation?
Friday, October 28, 2011
Difference, Part Two
So yesterday's post was pretty bleak, and today's won't be much better. Basically, my kids and my job are both going well - so I almost feel bad complaining.
However, my dad had very emergency surgery earlier this week, following the discovery that his heart issues, known since last year but inoperable due to his very poor healthy, were at a near fatal level. It was scary and very stressful, but he came through as well as could be expected. I'm hoping he will bounce back - but there is now a spot on his lung and poor lung functioning awaiting him, after he recovers from a partial heart transplant. So. That's that.
And, boyfriend's daughter is making some choices that I can't allow in my home. He is holding her accountable so far, but I fear that is temporary. And if that's the case, I can't do anything but boot her - because my kids come first for me. That will hurt, for me, for him, and I honestly think worst of all for her, because she is a hot mess right now and needs stable, good role models.
So things are not so dandy right now - medical and personal stress almost overwhelmed me till last night, when I decided, no. This is not going to beat me. I survived domestic violence and heartbreak and loss; I made a happy life for me and my girls. Parents die (that's hard to type) and men come and go, but my life is mine to make a good place.
That's my attitude today. Or, it's what I am faking till I feel it.
However, my dad had very emergency surgery earlier this week, following the discovery that his heart issues, known since last year but inoperable due to his very poor healthy, were at a near fatal level. It was scary and very stressful, but he came through as well as could be expected. I'm hoping he will bounce back - but there is now a spot on his lung and poor lung functioning awaiting him, after he recovers from a partial heart transplant. So. That's that.
And, boyfriend's daughter is making some choices that I can't allow in my home. He is holding her accountable so far, but I fear that is temporary. And if that's the case, I can't do anything but boot her - because my kids come first for me. That will hurt, for me, for him, and I honestly think worst of all for her, because she is a hot mess right now and needs stable, good role models.
So things are not so dandy right now - medical and personal stress almost overwhelmed me till last night, when I decided, no. This is not going to beat me. I survived domestic violence and heartbreak and loss; I made a happy life for me and my girls. Parents die (that's hard to type) and men come and go, but my life is mine to make a good place.
That's my attitude today. Or, it's what I am faking till I feel it.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
what a difference a week makes
Future Doc and SnarkyTeen are owners of a car. My dad is the owner of a new partial heart. And I am considering booting boyfriend and all that comes with him.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Drowning
...
After a very unexpected four day "break" from work (family medical crisis, not yet resolved and very scary), I am drowning in a) papers, b) motions to file and c) laundry. In that order.
After a very unexpected four day "break" from work (family medical crisis, not yet resolved and very scary), I am drowning in a) papers, b) motions to file and c) laundry. In that order.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Ethics versus politics
My "boss" is the Juvenile Officer. Well, not really, because I am a contract worker, hired as required by my state, by the county and not any agency. But, in practical day to day operation, my "boss" is the JO. The JO is an incredible person, knows a ton, and should be an attorney (but isn't). The JO is also very very Type A, in a way that is increasingly causing the movement on cases to slow to a dead halt.
So, up till the last three months, the JO and I have had a cordial (not close) working relationship. I pretty much always agreed with her, perhaps due to my own newness at the job and perhaps due to trusting her knowledge on cases. Recently I have begun to be more independent in recommendations, as required by statutory changes.
The independence plus success of many of my recommendations has become a really big problem, it seems. My relationship with the JO has soured to almost nonexistence. This is fine with me personally, but politically and perhaps even in terms of keeping my job, it is bad news.
This is scary. I have four kids depending on me to have a job in a bad economy, and the job I have barely pays the bills.
At the same time, statutory requirements of my position are clear, and so are my own personal ethics; I cannot change the things I am doing.
Advice welcome.
So, up till the last three months, the JO and I have had a cordial (not close) working relationship. I pretty much always agreed with her, perhaps due to my own newness at the job and perhaps due to trusting her knowledge on cases. Recently I have begun to be more independent in recommendations, as required by statutory changes.
The independence plus success of many of my recommendations has become a really big problem, it seems. My relationship with the JO has soured to almost nonexistence. This is fine with me personally, but politically and perhaps even in terms of keeping my job, it is bad news.
This is scary. I have four kids depending on me to have a job in a bad economy, and the job I have barely pays the bills.
At the same time, statutory requirements of my position are clear, and so are my own personal ethics; I cannot change the things I am doing.
Advice welcome.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Columbus Day - really?
Most of the world still works on this day, right?
But court employees don't. And bankers. And post persons.
Columbus did claim to discover a land already happily occupied by native Americans, right?
OK. Just checking.
Is there some shopping attached with this holiday? What would be appropriate? Those weird fake totem poles? Maybe some Indian corn in light of Halloween coming?
But court employees don't. And bankers. And post persons.
Columbus did claim to discover a land already happily occupied by native Americans, right?
OK. Just checking.
Is there some shopping attached with this holiday? What would be appropriate? Those weird fake totem poles? Maybe some Indian corn in light of Halloween coming?
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